Oh so little

Got to greet a little one on the day of his birth yesterday. Always amazed at the tininess of newborns. Of course then it doesn't seem tiny after you think of what it came out of.

It is one of life's miracles, life is.

Another weird pillow

Maybe I'm showing my young age here, but this pillow seems like the ultimate buzz kill. It is a pillow to avoid boob wrinkles.

I already sleep with a mouth guard for TMJ and oven-mitt things on my hands for carpal tunnel. So really it would fit right in. Sometimes I add in a heating pad for my sore back and husband probably thinks I'm about to check into the old folks home any minute.

Also, I say "another" weird pillow, because this one from Overstock is odd too.

Source

P.S. I just noticed that my little blog is at 200 "followers." Um, I feel loved. Thank you for the virtual hug.

P.P.S. Two great deals from local group buying sites. First, do date night with  BuyWithMe - spend $20 for $40 of Food and Drinks at Po Pazzo and Shabby Apple is on Groupon, with a spend $40 and get a $100 store credit deal. Both deals are live already. Can you tell I am just a little addicted to this whole group buying thing?

Birthday sparks

We caught fireworks in La Jolla to cap off the weekend. But first. My mom came into town and I didn't end up with one picture of us together! But she came, she spoiled, we chatted, it was great. I'm loving my purple toes and fingers from our mani-pedi time. We decided to go get one so we could have a good memory, since last time we went to a nail salon together, I left without my wedding set.

Mom left Sunday morning and we were off to church. Then it was a relaxing afternoon and fireworks in the evening. I baked cupcakes and prepped some snacks to take.

Our spot. I was really excited about the brie.

We were entertained by a excited and past-her-bedtime 2-year-old. We tried to convince her that her new baby brother will be fun. She is not amused.

Crooked smile. Its always been that way.

The show was great. We left our house at 6:30, found a spot by 7:30 and waited for the show. Next year I really want to get reservations somewhere and eat while watching the fireworks over the bay. I looked into it this year, but with July 4 being on a Sunday, nothing felt right. We try to observe the Sabbath by not spending money or working or going out too much. Seeing a fireworks show may be debatable by some but I wasn't missing it.

Also the first Sunday of every month is observed as Fast Sunday, which we observed. This means you give up two meals. This likely led to my cranky breakdown about my birthday being "the worst ever." Poor husband had to sit there and take it. I'm sorry husby.

I think it was more of a realization that being far away from family totally stinks sometimes. My birthday falls on a day that is spent with family, and on other days we usually hang with other "location orphans" and have fun. But it isn't family. And this was my birthday. We've lost some friends to moving recently and I'm realizing that family is always there. Friends unfortunately come and go.

Yes mom, this means that Utah is still on the table. Date unknown.

Not even going to pretend I know how to take pictures of fireworks. But it was fun to play with the camera.

I just loved this picture with the palm trees. I really do love it here.

P.S. I posted a question about having kids on Ooph today, about loving kids versus loving your own kids.

This weekend

I hope you enjoy your Independence Day weekend.

This weekend I become a quarter of a century old.

I love all things fruit and summer right now. I hate June gloom and last week I wore a skirt everyday to "will" summer here. I watch Gilmore Girls at least once a week while taking a bubble bath. On occasion I am plagued with carpal tunnel, tennis elbow and a shoulder sprain.

All at the same time. I'm also developing a love for acupressure.

I love my puppy and husband.

I am stressed but I feel accomplished.

I cannot sit still. I mean I love to sit still, but I'm navigating the work full-time, school part-time, victims advocate, Young Women leader world, I'm loving every minute.

So I don't know why I can't stop listening to this song by The Band Perry. Husband isn't a fan - says it is morbid - but I find it so peaceful.

Funny, when I was a depressed teen, I used to think I'd never make it past 25. It is written in my journals.

But I can't imagine stopping now.

Total eclipse of the heart

Eclipse comes out today I hear.

I've heard it from screams from women and girls, from people who lament over love like that shown in the Twilight saga.

And every time, I'll continue to say "but he doesn't treat her very nice!"

And every time, I'll hear, "But he's a vampire!"

So what?

Some excuses I used to let my ex treat me like garbage were (some details changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

"But he's got finals this week!"
"But he hasn't heard back from any colleges yet."
"But he's preparing for his mission!"
"But he just got back from his mission!"
"But he's got basketball tryouts"
"But we're not married yet! It will be better then!"

oh, and my favorites, which held me over for a couple of years:

"But I'm not good enough for him, I must get better!"
"But we live long-distance, when we're not long distance anymore, it will all work out."

There is just no excuse, not now, not ever, to let yourself be treated wrongly by someone you love.

Imagine my surprise when after the last movie, I kept finding others who collaborated on what I thought were my personal thoughts. Note: several of these look at the books, which I have never read.

If you've suspected that there's something unhealthy about the relationship between Bella and Edward in the phenomenally successful Twilight series, then it turns out that you're exactly right. In fact, there are fifteen examples of unhealthiness. - io9 

That one is my favorite, as it outlines the 15 signs of domestic violence from the National Domestic Violence Hotline - and how the movie fulfills every single one.

I know I make light of this a lot, but I wanted to break it down, point by point. From what I have seen so far, the Twilight series is about abuse, plain and simple. Edward is an emotional batterer, and Bella is constantly and persistently victimized by his actions. - Yes, I Read it and It is Still Stupid

I almost didn’t buy the Twilight books for my 7-8 school library. I don’t hate them because I’m a guy, or because of the excruciatingly bad prose, or the corruption of vampire mythology without acknowledging or commenting on the original, or even because Bella is such a waste of space. I hate them because of the sexual messaging they impart to teens, especially teen girls, robbing them of agency and normalizing stalking and abusive behavior. - The official blog of the Young Adult Library Services Association

Interesting to me because it is from a school librarian. The comments are the best part of the article.

...This is an arena where Bella encourages it as much as Edward. She says the following near the end of Eclipse: "I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay."

She believes everything Edward says about her, every put-down and snarky remark, she internalizes it into her own self-image. - Chris Russo

The codependency. The ability to beat a girl down with words is far worse than physical violence. Though Edward does a great job with that when he throws Bella into a glass cabinet. You'd think with his love for her and vampire skills that he could project her without making her bleed.

What is most troubling is that S. Meyer is playing on the insecurities of young women through Bella’s character. The solution to your insecurities, she implies (shoves down their throats, rather) is to become so obsessed with your overbearing boyfriend that you would DIE DIE DIE without him-as Bella says over and over; you would jump from a cliff to hear his voice in your head after he’s left you; let him dissuade you from discovering your sexuality since you are a teenage girl and therefore a slut if you do the nasty pre-marriage; fall in love with the friend who sexually assaults you... - Feministing

Eclipse is a perfect name for a movie such as this one. So is Twilight, I suppose. Both imply darkness, and in a love-is-blind sort of way. Except that love really shouldn't be blind. Or dangerous. Or harmful. Or I'll-just-leave-you-in-the-woods-alone type scary.  It isn't just Twilight, there are plenty of films that portray negative relationships and horrible untrue stereotypes. Though Twilight does this excellent job of making you feel like you should want that. Perhaps it is the mix of high school romance and fantasy.

I can't remember ever sitting in a movie and feeling so icky. It really struck home to me. One in three teens is in an unhealthy relationship, so to see a movie glorify that -- and be embraced by adults as well, just saddens me. At least mothers are horrified by the actions of Miley Cyrus.

Coexisting in compassion

Same Sex marriage is in the news this week, as closing arguments for the federal court case are set to start Wednesday. Mormons and the issue are also back in the news with the release of 8: The Mormon Proposition.

I still feel – for the most part – the same way I did before the 2008 election. With some added on frustration for how the issue has been handled.

Yes, there may be hate from some. But there is also much love.

See, same-sex marriage supporters and those who practice the LDS faith endure similar trials of animosity. We can’t see the similarities though.

I have no hate in my heart. Really, I’m torn and conflicted. I have a deep love for what I believe in, what makes me a better person - the practicing of the LDS faith. If anything, my hate comes from hating how people act toward each other. I really don’t like those H8 signs and what they say about me. I was scared to practice my religion, explain why I don’t drink coffee or simply be me. Now, it has even more of stigma attached.

But, I can't even pretend to compare that to the hate crimes the homosexual communities have dealt with in the recent past.

Still, I don’t know anyone who woke up after the election and cheered. I know a lot of people who felt relieved, and quietly took the bumper sticker off their car and moved on. I remember feeling more uplifted about it than I thought I would, mostly because I didn’t feel so alone in my faith. Being faithful in something can be lonely.

Now, I just may not associate with those groups of people who would cheer. But I don’t want to be associated with people who would cheer on either side. It is a sticky topic.

No matter how successful I may work to be in my career, my number one priority will always be my family. And should same-sex marriage once again be legal in California, it would legally change the definition of marriage. But. It would not legally change the definition of my family. I have a beautiful marriage. I don’t feel like the legalization of same-sex marriage would hurt that.

Does it sadden me that my church gave money to this bill – and then failed to report all of it? Yes. However, does it also sadden me that my church recently had to get the hardwood floor in the building redone twice because it was ruined by people within a week? Yes. I work hard and tithe and I hope to see that money go to a good place. Part of faith and obedience is taking the 90 percent I am given and choosing how I spend that and freely giving my 10 percent.

But I’ll also never forget stumbling into a protest in November 2008 and hearing the anger and hatred in the voices of the opposition. That was hate to me. Members of the LDS faith make up 2-4 percent of the population in California. My temple was attacked. Businesses boycotted. People who believe in the same things I do were assaulted. Men, women and children. That simple first amendment right, attacked.

So. I continue to waffle. I am at peace with whatever decision is made by the courts, though I feel I must continue to vote for what I believe in when it is me and the ballot box. No matter what that is.

For us to coexist as those cute bumper stickers say, issues like this will arise over and over – and it is up to us to calm our anger and understand that actions often aren’t done from hate, but from somewhere else.

New project

A blog is not a journal. I cringe when I hear that.

Now, I say that, but I know it may be for some. I however have deep dark thoughts and things I just don't want the Internet to read. Lest people think I am crazy. I tend to analyze things to death, to elevate, to need to rehash.

Since year eight, I've kept a journal. In high school it was pink and fuzzy, in college it was striped. I like lists too. One journal has a list of "everything I'm going to do as a parent that my parents didn't" and another has a 10-page long list of "red flags I missed before my first marriage." Ahh, hindsight.

My journaling has kind of dwindled though. I think it ends with "I think I'm in love with Adam..."

I treasure them though. I read them on occasion and love seeing where I've grown, my past perspectives. Also. I'm Mormon, it is like a requirement or something.

“Let us then continue on in this important work of recording the things we do, the things we say, the things we think, to be in accordance with the instructions of the Lord. . . We hope that you will do this, our brothers and sisters, for this is what the Lord has commanded. Those who keep a journal are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives. . . Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity. . . Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grand-children, and others throughout the generations.” Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, pp. 349-351.

Writing on the Internet, any time any where, fits me. So I privatized my Posterous. I love Posterous because it is so easy to post - just send an email and its posted. Photos can be attached with an email attachment.

I thought about just keeping a Google Doc, but sometimes docs I create online disappear and that's frustrating.

I could have done this with any other blog format too - but I wasn't liking where my Posterous was going anyway. I started it as a way to track professional-related thoughts.... but blogging about work stuff just isn't my thing.

So here we go, new project. I remember when a bishop once told me to record "only the good stuff" so my children would read and be uplifted. But that doesn't help anyone. I think we should record our trials. Loved this quote too.

“Your story should be written now while it is fresh and while the true details are available. Your private journal should record the way you face up to challenges that beset you. Do not suppose life changes so much that your experiences will not be interesting to your posterity. Experiences of work, relations with people, and an awareness of the rightness and wrongness of actions will always be relevant. Your journal, like most others, will tell of problems as old as the world and how you dealt with them.” (”President Kimball Speaks Out on Personal Journals,” New Era, Dec. 1980, 26)

Here's to better tracking my life for me and future kiddos. If they'd even ever care to read it.

Ten Ways to help the Gulf - no matter where you are

On my pie chart of stressors, the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf is definitely taking up some real estate. I tend to stress over things I have no control over. I feel helpless and I'm so heartbroken when I think of all the destruction.

Some of these are adapted from this great list from US News. That list has a lot of great ways to volunteer if you live near the Gulf Coast. Now, I can’t fly down to the Gulf Coast – and clean-up officials are asking people to avoid traveling to the area anyway.

So, I came up with 10 ways to help from anywhere.

1. Get educated. There is power in education (so says the brain-fried MBA student, I'm just hoping that is true). There’s all sorts of news organizations covering it, find one that meets your slant and be knowledgeable about the impact of this mess. I like The Daily Green. Also, the hashtag on Twitter is #oilspill. Follow Crisis Camp's list that is following many of the direct players in the spill. The official BP Twitter account is BP_America but I must confess to loving BPGlobalPR’s tweets for comic relief.

2. Fill up less often. Walk more, bike more, take public transit. I cringe when I think of how little fossil fuels we have to use – and now so much of that is ruining the Gulf Coast. So conserve.

3. Also. Oil isn't just for gasoline. Plastic bags and so many other things use oil in production. Here’s a 12-page PDF of “Things Made From Oil That We Use Daily” from PBS. Taken from this World Without Oil lesson plan. A lot of these things that we use daily, we don't have to use.

4. I like to put my money behind my convictions. I don’t feel like I want to support BP. So when I do need oil, I’ll speak with money and avoid BP brands. In California this is mostly Arco. But they also operate under AM/PM and Castrol. Here is a list of their brands. Now, I don’t know if this could just as easily happen with any other oil company, but maybe others will increase their safety plans if they see the hit that BP takes.

5. Buy Dawn. Dishwashing detergent is used to clean oil off birds and animals. Dawn is helping by donating a $1 of every bottle purchased to the Marine Mammal Center and the International Bird Rescue Research Center. However, they do make you work for the donation. You have to activate it online—it's not automatic with your purchase.

6. Hair gets oily when we don’t wash it. So Matter of Trust is taking donations of hair and nylons. The hair is stuffed into the nylons and used to sop up the oil. For more information, visit their website. They are encouraging hair salons and dog groomers to send hair. Guide Dogs for the Blind, Inc. – the company that trained Cricket is donating.

7. The National Wildlife Federation has created a form letter to send to President Obama. Also, if you are in favor of halting all ocean drilling can use this form letter from the Sierra Club.

8. If you do have the cash to fly out there, donate instead to one of the many causes that is helping to clean up the spill. There are wildlife organizations, those that are helping protect beaches – all sorts of things. Take part has a long list  - of course always research an organization before you donate.

9. Plug the hole with Sarah Palin. Just kidding, but this Facebook group is funny in a horribly morbid way.

10. Clean up the beach and town you live in. We can use this as a motivation to improve our homes and make the world a better place.

Any more ideas? I am honestly praying that this spill will be stopped sooner than they say it will. This is not a natural distaster -- it is man made. And it really isn't a spill, it is more of an oil volcano.

P.S. after I wrote this, I found this list on the Huffington Post -- and there is a protest in San Diego today at the ARCO in Point Loma.

Changes

My childhood pet is sick. I can’t so much write about this without my heart being exceptionately heavy, so I just haven’t. Writing about it makes it more real and it is so easy to pretend that everything is OK when you are so many miles away from home. I do it often, I am quite good at it. When I think of home, my parents are both happily employed, living out their empty nester years, my brother is off at college and everyone is being nice to them and getting along. And Missy, who started life out as “little Miss” and has evolved to “old Miss” is still healthy and happily greeting everyone at the door.

Of course that isn’t entirely true. But that completely helpless feeling sets in when I realize it isn’t. That feeling of knowing that even if I lived close by, there’s no way I can sweep in and play hero – that I never was a hero, never will be a hero in that regard. That horrible feeling that life keeps on going.

She has a collapsed trachea. All those noises that we’ve discounted as a pug characteristic, well some weren’t. Some were “no seriously guys, I can’t breathe.”

And my buddy is on four different types of medication and she can barely walk and I’m having to come to terms with the fact that she might not be happy anymore. But then, her tail is still wagging. That tail – she’s already survived tail cancer.

She’s that connection to my childhood, to elementary school, to high school dances and trying to not let her get my black formal covered in tan hair. To getting divorced and bringing her down to Provo to live with me, and it was just her and me in a townhome, renting Sex and the City episodes from Blockbuster at 10 p.m. and staying awake until 3 a.m., only to repeat the exact same process the next night. She was there, reminding me that while I had truly messed up my life, I still deserved cuddles.

And now I can’t be there for her, and it hurts me. So I’m going to fly home over Memorial Day. They say she’s doing better, but I must see for myself.

What now, brown cow?

I was never the girl with a list of baby names. Dolls were fun, but the ones that talked and peed were more annoying than fun. I was more of a Barbie girl – give me a Barbie to play with anyday of the week. The clothes to change, the evenings out with Ken to plan. That was more of my thing.

Makes sense to me now because I am continuously dreaming of the next adventures husband and I will have – the places we will go, the projects we will undertake. A few weeks ago, JetBlue offered $10 flight deals and I excitedly looked for a weekender, despite us having no funds for that. Or time to fit in a last-minute deal.

Kids still just don’t seem to fit in. Oh, now I continually obsess over the possibility of children. Over what babies need and how to provide. Over what I will say when my mother-in-law asks “now what” because the husband graduated. I obsess over what we would do as parents, what we will allow, as in, “what if my 16-year-old daughter wants to go on birth control instead of embrace the same values I grew up with?” (I think I'd be all for it, but of course I'm not there) or “what if my child has special needs?”

What can I handle?

I know that some say you just never know. And to just jump in. I say, great if that works for you.

As of now, we’re forecasting an oops or a well-planned 2012 babe.

Thanks to the Mayans, It fits really well when people ask about starting a family.

“2012. Either we’ll have kids or the world will end.”

Smart people reply back with, “or your world will end when you have kids.”

Photo

Impromptu hoe-down

There was this barn in the middle of the Children's Museum. We saw benches to rest feet-in-heels.

Then, there was all this cool stuff inside the barn.

I can't wait until I have kids so acting like a kid is normal.

Until then, I will act like a kid anyway, because when you stop having fun you might as well be dead.

And we have never stopped.

Photo shoot with Melinda. She was then so nice to restore my roots to the same shade as the rest of my head. Seriously, this girl is amazing. If I didn't always wear my hair in a bun you could see how great of a job she does. User error.

Okay corn. Love it.

Pleading

Last week I got the unique opportunity to stand before a judge of the court and plead guilty to a crime.

Unique because I hope that never ever happens again.

I had my "not guilty" plea ready. But when it came time, I couldn't lie. I truly had ran that red light, no matter my excuse, I had known it the minute I did it and when the ticket came I was certainly disappointed but not surprised.

Why is it so hard for me to admit when I've done things wrong? Not admitting mistakes often leads to more mistakes. Like driving up to Vista for traffic court and being late to a meeting. It's a vicious cycle.

I do plenty of things wrong. A plethora, really.

For the books.

Grateful

A few weeks ago, I saw the beautiful pastel Easter candy lining the shelves at Target, grabbed a bag of mini Cadbury eggs and exclaimed "this is what Easter is all about!!"

Well.

That's not true.

I did buy the eggs anyway. And some Reese's eggs. And some Sweet Tarts. But not Peeps. Ew.

While Easter does have the best candy out of any holiday, I'm grateful that husband looked at me in that special way and brought me back to reality.

I'm also grateful for an atonement. Because I mess up a lot. I need Him in my life to know that all is well.

And I'm grateful that just like springtime brings back the flowers and good candy, He was resurrected and He lives.

I still need me some saving. Everyday.

Photo

Convo

I was with a groups of friends when two guys decided to arm wrestle.

"We need a judge, I can't be a judge - Natalie you be the judge."

I was packing up my stuff and prepping to go.

"You need me to stay and do what?" I said. I wasn't aware these things needed judging. Isn't the winner evident?

"Well it is a girl's job."

"Well, now that goes against everything I stand for as a feminist."

"Oh yeah, I struggle with that. I'm a miso-miso, what do you call it?"

"A misogynist?"

"Yeah, that."

My stuff was packed and I was walking out. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to be silly and freak out.

Except, he wasn't joking. He's a nice gentleman, courteous, and was just stating a fact. What would you have said? I'm just a little suprised someone openly admitted to being a misogynist. Isn't that a little like admitting to being racist?

Starting the Fertility Awareness Method

Apologies for this showing up in your feedreader once again... it disappeared from my archives and I wanted to link to it.

I was in the pharmacy, set to pick up my prescription of birth control. I needed it now, if not yesterday. The tech took my new 2010 insurance card to verify and I whipped out my debit card to pay.

Then he told me the new price for my prescription would be $45.

"I guess I'll just have a baby," I said. I walked out of CVS. I couldn't do it. I couldn't feel like crap for another month for more than a dollar per day.

Except a baby just isn't in the cards right now. I don't know where we would put the bundle of joy, much less, who would take care of it. I'm guessing I need to answer those questions before I embark on that journey.

So I called my friend about charting. Bought a box of non-oral contraception. Oh, and then called husby to let him know that things were changing in our household.

My friend lent me Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition (affiliate link) and I cracked it open.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I've learned so much in the past six weeks. About my body, about what is going on inside me.Why do we spend time in 5th grade learning about tampons when we could be learning about a women's fertility cycle?

Never mind.

But I wish I would have thought more about what the pill is doing before I just went on it. I thought it was the thing to do when I got married. I have been taking it for one reason or another since high school. I've tried the patch, I've tried Yaz, I've tried all sorts of generics. I've tried Seasonique, most recently, I was using Nuvaring.

But in the past few months, on the exact same day of each month, I had crazy panic attacks. The world was ending. We were getting divorced, tomorrow. I was quitting my job. I was worthless. One time I left the house and started driving, determined to head to Utah. With no wallet or cell phone.

Now I realize I was tricking my body.

This is what else I've learned:

-- I feel connected to my body. I am taking my temperature every morning. I am connected to the cycle my body is having. I think about it daily. I am amazed that my body is made to do this.

-- No longer do I call it "discharge." I used to think I had some crazy infection. I don't. It is the same stuff a guy's semen is made out of, and we don't call that discharge.

-- I am turned on. I always wondered why hubs and I couldn't get enough of each other before the wedding and then everything just wasn't as much fun. It is because I went on birth control right before the wedding! All of the sudden I am connected to my inner sex kitten.

-- I've learned that cycles are different lengths, that they can be affected by stress or travel or all sorts of things.

-- The difference between the rhythmic method and the fertility awareness model. I'm using FAM.

-- Men are fertile all the time. Women are only fertile for a few days. So why should birth control be my responsibility all the time?

-- Acne is back. But for the first two weeks before menses, I also have clearer no-need-to-wear-makeup skin. So I guess I'll take the good and the bad?

-- I am more level-headed. Husband says I am still moody (I let him weigh in on that) but he says I freak out less.

-- I feel more confident. I have lost any weight according to the scale, but I feel skinnier. Now that could also be connected to working out too -- that also happened within the last six weeks. No matter what, I am a fan.


I don't know what the future holds, but I am thrilled to be learning all these new things about my body and what is going on.

Swearing

It is "Cuss-free" week, as per the state Assembly's decision.

Lest we debate about how the state Assembly is passing resolutions like that, and not bothering to balance the budget, I must admit, I kind of like the concept.

I think I am in the minority, but I hate swearing. I hate walking by someone on the street who is distributing a blue streak. I hate encountering a stressful situation and hearing an expletive. I am not a fan of opening up a blog and finding it sprinkled with words that offend. 

I just don't like it. 

But I can't control actions from others, just mine. So while I like the concept, I can't imagine living in a world where we couldn't say what we wanted or do what we liked. 

Photo

A Kooza palooza

I always compare performances I see to life. Seeing Kooza on Wednesday was no different.

First, it was incredible. I almost felt like I had no talent, seeing all of these people who have dedicated their life to an art that is beautiful to watch. Their talents are defined, performable, while I was always the girl that got "you're a good friend" written on my talent list. Post elementary school, I now find that a good place to be.

The tricks! The tricks! I had no idea humans could do that. I didn't breathe during the trapeze performance and my neck still hurts after staring at the high wire show. I also couldn't believe how many performances were a part of the 3-hour show. Seriously, when intermission hit, I said "what more could they have!?" And then the second act out did the first -- with the exception of the trapeze and high wire performances which were my favorite.

I couldn't wait to see what would come out next. I wanted to rush through the clown sections to see the next trick. And that urgency I felt made me think about life right now. I am too busy. I hate talking about being busy -- it is obnoxious because everyone is busy.

But I need to figure out what will work for me with the new school schedule.

But I so badly want it all. Today. Sure I'll wait, but only until tomorrow. And then I want success. A great career, a great career for husby, a graduate degree, a baby -- all of it.

Kooza reminded myself that if I rush through each act, I will make mistakes. I won't have success in the current act or in the future. Which is worse than not making it through intermission.

If you're curious about Kooza -- read my review.

It opened in San Diego on Wednesday and it will be in Portland next.

Listen to a preview of the soundtrack here: Kooza Cirque du Soleil MP3 (Amazon link)

What I meant to say

The first Sunday of each month at a LDS church is "fast and testimony meeting." Members are instructed to fast for two meals before attending, and after the sacrament is passed, the meeting is open for anyone to speak.

Sometimes this means some interesting times. I do believe at some point in the past two years my ward has been chastised by a Seventh Day Adventist. From our own pulpit. Awesome day. And of course there are good, uplifting moments too. 

Today somehow I felt as though I should speak. The words were in my head. But when I went up there, I totally bombed it. My voice was shaky, my speech was slow, unsure.

The nerves turned into anxiety and I'm still shaking. I've heard it said, "if you can speak in church, you can speak anywhere." I guess I'm not there yet. 

What I wanted to say is that I've been thinking about why I am Mormon lately. I've been thinking about why the heck I'm religious.

Why, when I believe in equality of the sexes, do I attend a church in which that is not consistently present? Or why, when I have been insulted and offended by church leaders, do I continue to return each week? The whole Prop 8 debacle, if I even dare bring it up. Despite me missing the past two weeks of Sunday school because I just didn't want to debate Eve's roll in the Fall. 

It comes down to the inability to deny it. And the strength that I have within because of it.

That I believe in the truth of the teachings and that I can look past the imperfections, as I hope that others can do with me. 

I am healthier, stronger mentally by not partaking in substances (I think I would make a horribly drunk). I know He answers my prayers. My beliefs keep my marriage strong, as a friend in my MBA cohort noted one day, because we're both working for the same thing, with the same idea of what marriage is.

For others, their life works just fine. But for me, this works. It has built my character and built me into a stonger person - even if I have reservations about some things, globally I am sustained in faith.

But should it all came to an end, and my beliefs in eternity are not quite true, I will be OK. Because I lived with hope. And happiness.

That's what I meant to say. If only I was a speaker not a writer.

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Interview with Richard Doetsch

I reviewed The Thirteenth Hour by Richard Doetsch a few weeks ago. The publisher, Atria Books, asked if I wanted to send him some questions and I was excited because someday I want to publish a book and such. So I asked him questions about writing. I've always wanted to know what it is like to write, really write, fiction.

I'm still hung up that he wrote the book in 30 days. Hold the phone. 

What is your favorite book?

Such a tough question. All time would probably be A Christmas Carol, something I read every year. Ghosts, redemption, great characters, the holidays what could be better. close second though is The Count of Monte Cristo.

I love so many books it would take too long to list them but I might add some of my favorite authors are Dickens, Hemingway, HG Wells, Jules Verne, Ludlum, Crichton, Alistair Maclean, Alexander Dumas, Ian Fleming. I love To Kill a Mockingbird, The List of Seven, Sherlock Holmes, I could go on and on.

What path led you to become a writer?

I came to writing a bit later in life, in fact, the first thing I wrote (and longer than five pages) since high school was my first novel, The Thieves of Heaven. I never took a writing class but found that my voracious appetite for reading served as the ultimate school. I actually consider myself a story teller first and a writer second as my job is to tap my imagination so as not to repeat what others have done.

One day I was looking for something new to read but I found nothing interested me which got me thinking what would I want to see in a book. Everyone talks about writing a novel someday which is ridiculous from so many points of view, but I had a story to tell so I just started writing on the train one day and did it every day for almost a year, writing my first novel, The Thieves of Heaven. I never had so much fun and, as it turns, out, I could actually do it.

What do you love about writing? Also, what do you hate?

I really have a passion for writing and consider myself lucky that I found it at this point in my life. Some people drink to forget, play golf to get away, watch TV to escape, I get all of that plus much more when I sit down to write.

I get lost in my stories as my mind takes me to places and situation that I can’t believe I imagine. The greatest thing is to pick something up that you wrote and be entirely baffled that you wrote something that good. Of course the bad part of that is, you think you will never write something that good again.

Your characters in The Thirteenth Hour almost develop backwards... did you have to write the story forwards to get that?

Writing The Thirteenth Hour was like playing five games of chess in my head at the same time. I wrote the story backwards in the same way the reader experiences it. In so doing, I had to remember the future and the past. It was difficult but fun as it was like a giant puzzle whose every move reverberated throughout the story. I wrote a one page outline broken down by 12 chapters (hours) and wrote down how each started and ended. Other than that it was just full steam ahead with whatever popped into my head at the moment. I should note I had a note pad that grew daily with little facts, notes, and time sensitive points so I wouldn’t fall flat on my face in frustration or failure.

Julia Quinn is a sassy power-woman attorney. Why did you want to pick a strong woman for the role of the victim and how did it help the story?

Julie Quinn is Virginia Doetsch, my wife, with blonde hair. My main characters are usually based on my wife and I and in The Thirteenth Hour, they are an even closer reflection of us than my other books. As I was trying to write the story in 30 days, it was far easier for me to tap into our lives whether it be our jobs, our experiences, or our hearts as opposed to creating the characters out of thin air. I do believe by doing this it makes the characters far more real and helps the reader connect even more.

Where do you get your story ideas? How do you develop those into a novel?

I consider myself a story teller first and writer second and so I think, just like writing everyday, we need to keep the imagination sharp creating fresh, original stories. I have what I call the every day idea file where I force myself to dream up a new story each and every day. It has grown rather thick over time and is filled with ideas that go in every direction, some terrible, some good, and some completely original, wild, and great.

When it comes time to start a new novel, I sort through ‘the file’ and decide what excites me the most. Because there are so many ideas, I sometimes end up combining some of the ideas for a richer story. I’ll then do a very brief outline as I have found when I do a long outline, it loses some of the spontaneity and fun for me. I’ll then start writing. I write every day in usually three shifts: 8:30 until noon., 1 to 5 and then 10 pm to 3 AM. Of course, I do live life so when I’m out or have plans those times can shift around but I still find the time to get it all in and endeavor to write 3,000 words a day.

Any new and exciting projects you'd like to share?

My next novel, The Thieves of Darkness comes out this August in hardcover from Atria Books. I’m really excited about this story as it is the third in my Thieves series. The first book in that series, The Thieves of Heaven is being developed by 20th Century Fox while the series is published in 28 languages as they are really globetrotting thrillers about a gentleman thief.

We are also nearing the start of casting for The Thirteenth Hour. New Line Cinema and Mike Deluca are making it; the script was written by Mike Brandt and Derek Haas who did 3:10 to Yuma and Wanted, and I have to admit the script came out great. Early next year people will se the novel I just completed called Half Past Dawn. It’s a stand alone story that I think is even more exciting than The Thirteenth Hour.

FTC Disclosure - the book was provided to me by Atria Books.

Mark all as read and other February must-dos

If you can do something continuous for three weeks it becomes a habit. So from that totally unsourced fact, I am declaring that monthly goals are the new resolution. Or the aid that gets you to that resolution. This year I am trying to simplify. I've never done the monthly goal thing, but I have list a several scrolls-long list on my task bar.

Here are my goals:

• Stay caught up on my homework and not my Google Reader updates. Realize this is part of learning how to make the transition to student.
• Check out the USD gym and classes. Wave at it. Possibly go inside.
• Go for a walk every Sunday with husband and puppy. Hold hands. Catch up on life.
• Research the difficulty of creating a 501c3 nonprofit… I got so many ideas after visiting Break the Cycle (and having six hours of drive time to myself)
• Blog about being feminist and Mormon. After telling people about this fabulous snacker, I got many questions.
• Not call in sick – I am almost out of personal days for the year! I will of course call in if I get sick, but I am trying to stay healthy. Vacation days are too precious.

What are your goals for February? I'll hold you accountable if you help me. I'll check back on Feb. 28. It is a short month, so all the better to start with.

Photo (by Lauren Alane, who has a ton of cute bird photos)