No, it is the tasks that lack excitement. They feel so mundane, pointless, and most importantly like no one would care if I did them.
So I do a shoddy job and feel worse about myself because I can't seem to do any better.
Last week, after a long day, I'm pounding my head on the elevator, all 10 floors down and I realize I'm pounding my head to the tune of "Have a baby, have a baby." I don't know if there is a tune to that song, but there was that day.
Don't get excited, I'm pretty sure the only reason that pops in my head is because it is an eternal cop out for me. To quit the career thing and go the good Mormon Mommy role. After all, it is a good thing to do. But the "have a baby because I hate my boring life" cop out doesn't exactly seem like a good enough reason to create life.
I'm honestly not sure if I want to go to grad school. I decided that I want to go because I hate being at the bottom of the pile, being a peon, and I think I love the industry. But I also want to email the admissions director to see if I can take some journalism courses. Because really, I want to write.
I want to write a book that is on the New York Times bestseller list. I want to write an award-winning grant proposal. I want a life I don't downplay at parties.
I want people to not downplay their lives at parties. Ever. So we can cheer each other on. And celebrate everything from the peon jump start to the successful career move to the baby on the way. Because celebrations are so much more exciting than my life.
15 contributed:
I feel like I just read something I wrote. I know exactly what you mean. I think I went to grad school (for only a year) for the same reason. I wanted to be respected, and not be the peon anymore.
Well, I "took a semester off" off because I was getting married and things were getting crazy at work. That semester off turned into dropping out because we moved to Virginia.
I, too, have had the same thoughts about having a baby, and then I hang out with friends who have crazy children running around. I love kids, but I just don't know if I am ready for that.
I like to call all this my "quarter-life crisis," and it all began in 2006 when I graduated. I'm just hoping it will end soon.
Nats - after reading your post, I just have to give my plug for motherhood. Starting a family is never a cop out decision (as long as it is a conscious one). The other day I was feeling the same way--like none of the things I do makes a difference to anyone. I was feeling quite unimportant. And of course I was crying. But my sweet little two-year-old girl looks at me and asks, "What's wrong mommy?" I told her I was sad because no one needs me. She then looked at me very seriously and said, "I need you mommy. I wuv you," and gave me a big hug and kiss. It is because of moments like that that it is always worth it to have a family. It made me realize that as a mother, someone always needs me and the things I do are always important to someone.
In the job field, the things you do and say are not always noticed or important (I know because I'm still there), but in the home, every action and every comment is remembered and means something.
So if you still think that having a baby and being a mother is still a cop out, just remember that that little baby will never feel that your decision was a cop out decision. You will always be the most important person in his/her life.
I love you Nats & just wanted to share my thoughts!
I have had this feeling and yes, having a baby actually DID help. Now I don't have time to be bored. But it's far more rewarding than that. Except, I haven't written that best-selling novel yet either. :(
I'm at the same point you are. We've been married for awhile, I hate my job, grad school sounds wonderful, but I'm just afraid that the second I start Heavenly Father is going to tap me on the shoulder and say, "It's time to start that family". I got some great advice from a lady that I visit taught. She said that when a baby is ready to come into your life Heavenly Father will let you know. This helped me because part of me was saying that I was being selfish for waiting so long. So we've been waiting for the "go ahead" from Heavenly Father and once it's time it's time and I just have to have the faith that everything else will work out.
I know that a man's point of view sounds stupid on a subject such as this, but I realized something while reading the blog entry and comments... Although I do NOT understand the inbred desire to have a child, I DO understand the need to feel meaningful and important. In the work place or at home.
You see I have been wondering why I have such a strong feeling to leave everything familiar and move to DC. it is far from family, and natalie and I do not have a job waiting for us out there. But after reading this post, I wonder if it is not because I feel I could make a difference or die trying. I have a passion for politics and the law, and want to be passionate about my job as much as my family.
Me too me too me too!!!
I know exactly what you mean. You're not alone. I guess my only advice is to listen to yourself and don't let other people pressure you into anything. Easier said than done. Whenever you do decide to be a mama, you'll be a great one.
p.s. I feel terrible about missing your birthday! When I'm with family I rarely go online. Sorry!
I'm probably going to be REALLY unpopular for this, but...
It was a little hard not to get upset reading this. You call being the good Mormon Mommy an eternal cop out, like you would be giving up something way more important and meaningful in order to have children. Do you REALLY believe that? I have a hard time believing you do, just from other things you have said. Now, I'm not saying that you need to start popping the kids out right away, but just that maybe it might help to re-examine your whole attitude about being a mother.
This has come across as WAY more forward than I wanted, but I just couldn't say it in any other way.
Final thought: don't have kids because you're bored. Have kids because its what you decide is right for your family. Just listen to the Spirit.
I agree that you will know when it is time to have a baby. But remember that the spirit whispers.. so pay attention! :) It is true that having a little one keeps you busy, but it does not stop you from getting bored. Let's face it, most of your duties as a housewife are pretty much the same every day. I got bored and depressed, because I needed more, I needed that great feeling you get when you finish a job, and do a great job at it. So I am a housewife with a creative outlet that is ALL my own! Keep one thing in mind though- you will probably never second guess your decision to have a baby. It brings your life to the next level, spiritually, emotionally... I never knew I could love someone as much as I love Brittan and Roman.
As for DC.. that's another day.. lived there, loved it. Moved back home when I wanted to start a family!
Isn't this time so confusing?
I know how you feel.
I know this is an obvious response- but it could be nice to go to the temple and take some spiritual time to ponder everything.
Whatever you choose, I know you will do it wonderfully.
And I can't wait to read that novel that I know you will one day write!
What about J-school? You are such a gifted writer. Maybe we should talk... I did B-school and loved it but my goal wasn't to continue writing - it was to get into marketing, which I was able to do. Better to do some soul searching now -- let's do coffee or something. :)
Ok, I totally have the solution for you! Skip grad school, have a baby, take 1 journalism class a semester for a few years to inspire you, and then write a BRILLIANT New York Times best seller!! There, problem totally solved! :) Any questions...?
Nat-
I would really like to actually COMMENT on this posting. REALLY.
But from reading other comments I don't think your other readers would like what I have to say.
I have so much respect for you and what you're doing with your life. That's all I'll say.
You know you inspire me.
Agree with Jessica - You are an incredible woman that inspires me each day at each season you are at in your life.
You are an amazing person! I agree that we should cheer each other on and not 'downplay' our own lives. I have a great deal of faith that you will find the thing that is right for you (and A)sometimes the change we need is big, sometimes small - but you will discover it! There are lots of people cheering you on!
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